And I've missed you all so much in the time that I've been scarce online that the last thing I want to do is alienate everyone with my crap. So, with that in mind, the following post is going to be a gripe-o-rama, so if you are in any way sick of my pessimism, I tell you to turn back now.
If you're still listening, here's my reasoning behind this. I need a soul catharsis. I've been keeping this crap bottled up in my own mind for so long that it's slowly poisoning me, so I need a way to get it out. I need to vent, so I'm going to do that. Hopefully, if I do, some of this junk will stop choking any happiness out of me, and I can work at getting healthier in my head.
First of all, I kind of had an epiphany the other day concerning my mother, and her effect on my self-esteem and my self worth. My mother is always giving me crap on why I don't feel better about myself, and why I think of myself as so unattractive when so many people say that I'm beautiful. Well, it occurred to me this week, when we were again having a conversation about it, that this kind of comment, about how attractive I really am, only tends to come from people in my family or close circle of friends, and mostly when I'm feeling in the mood I am right now. So, just to put it out there, when you get people telling you exactly what you're craving to hear when you feel the worst about it just feels like a false compliment to bolster your flagging ego.
I've never heard it when I didn't believe it was by someone trying to cheer me up. And I've certainly never heard it in a romantic way.
Other then that, the conversation brought me the epiphany I speak of. I realized that a vast majority of my self-esteem issues involve my mother. The other night it occurred to me that nothing that I ever do is right in her eyes. No matter what it is, it's always wrong. Yeah, that could have something to do with it. Sometimes the criticisms actually come accompanied by such phrases as 'don't you know how to do anything right' and 'what are you, stupid or something'. Upon reflection the other night, it occurred to me that this might be part of the problem.
Also, the saga of the second roommate from hell (which has, let me tell you, convinced me to never live with another roommate as long as I live), had brought up some serious issues. She yelled at me, in a fit of anger the day after we kicked her out, that "at least she'd had a boyfriend" and pointed out that I was going to "never get a boyfriend, never get married, never have kids." Ouch. What hurt the most about that statement is that it feels so perfectly true, and it feels that she is absolutely 100% right in that statement.
I truly never have had a boyfriend. Hell, I've never had even the most casual of physical relationships with a guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pure and innocent. After all, I was in Theatre in university, and got to a point where I was like "Okay, drunk, tired of waiting, here's a willing guy", and took care of that pesky virginity problem. But, though I may have been with a few people, but I've never been with the same person more than once. In fact, there have only been two guys I've even kissed on more than one day. It makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong. What about me makes these people never want to come back? What am I doing wrong? Cause, heck, it's got to me be, right?
Maybe I'm not coming across as being amenable to a second go round? I mean, at this point in my life, I've kind of put the idea of happily ever after in a deep, locked trunk in my subconscious. As for the boyfriendy stuff, I have a guy for that. My guy BFF is everything that a good boyfriend would be, only without the physical aspect. He cheers me up when I'm down, he listens to me biatch all the time, he does his best to make me smile, he spoils me rotten on Christmas and my Birthday (although, I'm a bit let down on the non-importance my 30th seemed to have...). and buys me occasional presents just because. So, I don't need a boyfriend. But, a friend with benefits might be groovy-cool. A no-strings attached,,totally casual thing. Only, I don't seem to be able to do this right either. How does one approach a person and say, hey, casual is totally cool with me? You know that evening we had a couple weeks ago? I'd be up for doing that again, and whenever you wanted. I'm down with that. No boyfriendness required.
Of course, I'm terrified of rejection, so I don't even know how to make a move in that direction. And, the more often I get rejected, the worse I take it. I mean, I can't offer myself up like that for a huge rejection if said person offers up little rejections that affect me.
So, all this stuff is going on in my head over the last couple of weeks, and the thing that stings the most is that my girl BFF does not seem the least bit interested in talking about anything that has to do with me or my feelings, or anything aside from the most superficial of conversations. I know that it's because she's had a terribly tough year, and that she's trying to get back to her life, and she's doing whatever it takes. I get that, I really do, but I could really use a good talk right about now. Or a good ear to listen and understand. And not tell me it's going to be ok, and I have nothing to worry about, but care about why I worry. Because even if there is nothing to worry about, I do worry, and I feel like there's something to worry about. I feel like I'm defective, and broken, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it all. And I wish I didn't feel so lonely about it.
But there it is. And, in hopes of feeling a little better about my life, I spew this out on my blog. Try to purge the infection. If you are still reading, I hope I didn't bore you to death, and thanks for letting me rant.
Posted by Arieanna at 12:08 PM
