If you're really trying to be my friend, and make sure I don't get hurt.

Tip number 1.) Don't spot me somewhere, look me dead in the eyes, and then act as if you didn't see me at all.

It makes me think I'm repulsive and something to be ashamed of. It makes me think that I really am all those things that are in that letter below on my blog. I really am garbage to be tossed away when you're done using me for whatever it was that you needed. That I'm not good enough to be your friend.

Message received.
Posted by Arieanna at 2:27 PM |

I just have to share what I'm feeling from yesterday. The day started with me being awoken by my mother due to a pounding on our door. It turned out to be Edgar knocking on our door. It was noon already, and time to get down to the Legislative Building for the 20th Annual Winnipeg Pride Parade.

I hadn't had a lot of sleep, but I quickly got myself in gear, wondering if I wouldn't have a better day if I stayed at home in bed. I'm really glad that I didn't follow that instinct. It was a really great day.

When Jamie and Cynara showed up, off we went.

The reason that I wanted to go was due to two amazing people that I don't see enough in my life, Murray and his partner Rob, both of whom were on the committee of Pride this year, Rob being co-chair for the second year in a row. They pulled off a spectacular event, where the overall pervading feeling of the day was total acceptance.

They were so busy that I didn't get to spend much time with Murray or Rob, but the few minutes I did get to chat with Murray, who I have to thank my brother Lyle for bringing into my life, as the two used to work together, was just the thing that I needed that day, you know?

Chatting with Murray reminded me that when I'm down, there are blessings to count. That even when I don't feel important at all, there are people out there whose faces will completely light up just at the sight of me.

Chatting to Murray was so totally unconditional it was amazing. Not one moment of it was about anything I could possibly give him or do for him except stand there and share a couple of moments of my very special life.

He didn't want to talk to me because I could give him anything or do anything at all. It wasn't about being able to give someone a ride, or a place to hang out, or a couple more bucks in the pocket at a social, or that I have good gym equipment at my work, or that I'm a wonderful supportive ear, or anything at all other then just me.

I know that the previous statements are bound to cause drama, so I have to say this. I know that none of you are just around for things I can do for you, or provide for you, or help you with. I know that you all care about me as a person.

But I haven't felt that totally, unconditionally loved in a long time.

All there was in that instant was joy at seeing me, and love for me being the person that I am. And that I was an actual gift to someone, just because I had the guts to show up and be there for them. Murray was just so happy to see me, period. To see that I was proud of him for being who he is, and to know that I am loved right back just for being who I am.

It was just a nice pure moment, where there was no pressure and no expectations at all. Where nothing at all was wanted but my presence and a smile. It was boiled down to that on such a obvious scale, one that I don't get a lot from the people that share my life everyday. Not to say that it's not there with others, just that it's not so readily apparent.

It's not that I don't know other people feel it for me, in my head. But it isn't always so obvious to my heart as it was yesterday.

The few minutes that I talked to Murray was such a concentrated burst of obvious unconditional love that I was grateful. It was something that I totally needed.

In essence, that was the spirit of the day. To be loved for who you are, and not what you are.

I'm very glad I went.


Posted by Arieanna at 12:27 PM |