I'm sorry that I haven't written lately. I feel really crap about it, actually. Once again, my circle of support and friendship has basically been whittled down to those of you I met online or only know online, and less than a handful of other people. And I really don't want to be a crybaby on my lj. thestormcellar recommended that I try to keep positive, and talk about positive things on the journal. I've been trying to do that.But dag nab it! Sometimes I just need to talk about it. And I just really have no one left in my life to talk about it with, ya know? What's even worse is that I've alienated all the great people that I used to have in my online life as well.

I'm having a hard time of it this week, and I'm super-lonely on top of it. There's nothing like opening up your e-mail to see that you have 0 messages. Not a one. Not even junk mail.

I had a super rough weekend. Mostly because of the date, and what I would have been doing, had my life not taken a complete deviation because of circumstances beyond my understanding.

I'm sorry that I'm not happy all the time. I really am. I try. I try very hard. I don't think people really know just how hard it is to struggle through life the way I and people like myself are. It's a struggle just to get out of bed and live each day. To breathe in and out. To put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. To not just give up.

If I could put you in my shoes for a minute, just so you could understand where I am, I would. But I would never do it for longer than that. Because no one deserves more than a minutes here.

It all kind of came to a head late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. And the worst part is the complete and utter sheer blinding terror I have at telling anyone at all that anything at all is wrong with me. Because I don't know which tears will be those few too many, and send the people that have accepted me running just as the last people. I certainly can't share with people that I'm upset. Lord knows that that is not at all what friendship is about.

People can't know that I'm upset, or hurt, or sad, because I honestly don't think I could stand losing one more person in my life.

My view on friendship now is so skewed. I must be happy, and pleasant, and cheerful and fun to be around at every second. Because some tiny thing that I did an hour ago, or a day ago, or a week ago, will cause people to stop talking to me. And they will never even let me know what it was that I did. Y'know, so that either a.) I can try to repair the damage, or b.) I can avoid doing it to the next people I try to make friends with.

And all this is going through my head when the people I was with asked me what was wrong. And I lashed out, because lord knows it would be far easier for me to hurt them and know what I did to drive them away then if they left just simply because, once again, I'm not good enough, or exactly what people want me to be.

Guess what? I'm not a puppet. I'm me. And if you truly are my friend, as I try to be back to people, then you'll care for me as I am. Bad points and all. That's what friends do.

I do have to be grateful for Justin, even if the fight he and I had nearly tore the last shred of sanity I had from me. Because even though I drove him away, he wanted to make sure that I was alright. That I would speak to him again. That we weren't mad at each other. That we were still friends. And when I couldn't find the words to apologize, he assured me that I didn't need to. That he knew. Then he just held my hand.

This is what I get from a month of friendship. My heart screams and asks why in the world I can't expect the same treatment from over a decade's worth. And it kills me. Because with Justin, right now, I simply like him. And though it means a lot, it's not enough. Because I lost people that I love. Who swore they loved me.

But it makes me wonder. If they loved me, as they claimed, how could they take one of the few things in my life worth struggling to live for, themselves, away from me?
Posted by Arieanna at 3:24 PM |