Okay, I know that certain people don't like the fact that I have a dark side. Certain people who at the beginning of the year would have called themselves my friends, and nay, maybe my family, would not want me to be anything but shiny and happy in this journal.
Guess what, that's unrealistic as hell. Deal with it.

Just because I write something on this journal doesn't mean that I'm going to slit my wrists or something. In fact, it's the total opposite. I'd like to quote an Anna Nalick song here, just to prove my point: "2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to."

I'm part-writer at heart. If I get it out of me, perhaps this piece of heavy, heavy lead will lift off of my heart and allow me to breathe again.

On a normal day, I'd probably go and try to hit things. But, given that climbing the stairs while doing laundry has made me nearly cough up a lung, I'm thinking that that's not necessarily a good idea.

Laundry. That's what's kind of giving me the heavy heart today. Laundry is what I was doing last year at New Year's eve. But I was doing it with Steve. And then we had a lovely night in. And then, at midnight, he told me he loved me for the first time. It wasn't long after that he was gone.
So, I'm really, really, hurting today. And there's not exactly anything keeping me from dwelling. I did laundry. Just like last year. And now, I'm pretty much home alone just watching the clock tick away how much alone I am till midnight.

My heart is especially heavy because I don't have a lot of friends left to do things with. The couple I do may have asked me in passing if I had any "big plans", but I don't think anyone even thought of inviting me to participate in any big plans. (Except CQ, but that's not who I'm referring to here.) Why don't I get invited to do things with groups of people? The fact that what friends I have left treat me as if I'm the person I was months and months ago hurts. I know how to go out and have a good time. Make nice. Interact with people. I'd like to celebrate the birthday of a friend. It seems that I'm just not fit to take out in public these days.

I'd really like to be out in public tonight. Instead, I'm sitting home with my mom. I'm doing laundry, which reminds me oh so much of last year, and is bringing nothing but crushing pain. And no one actually bothered to ask me out for a New Year's drink.

I can count the number of my friends on one hand. If you count yourself amongst them, I would actually be overjoyed to be invited out on a group excursion once in a while. I'd like to feel like a friend, not an obligation.

I'm not dying of depression. I laugh, and party, and giggle, and "flit around making people feel good". I don't go out to have fun and sit around crying instead anymore. It's taken a lot of writing, crying, medication, talking, and hitting of things to change that. I'm the person you've partied with before. In fact, I worked really fucking hard to get back to that person. I wish people would give me a chance.

Instead of being invited fun places, I'm now told about them in the past tense. It really does suck.

I'm sitting at home, feeling heavy as lead, remembering last year and trying not to cry. I'd rather be out having fun. Seems no one's willing to give me that chance anymore.
All I want for New Year is not to be thought of as a leper.

I'm not depressed 24/7. In fact, I'm hardly ever depressed anymore. Certainly not when I'm with people that make me smile, having a good time.

If I was your friend, ever in your life, and helped you through something, or even just gave you a hug and a word of comfort when you needed it. A place to stay, a shoulder to cry on, an ear on the other end of the phone on a stressful day, or even just a smile at the right time, it's time that you paid that back. I at times need those things back in return.

My new year's resolution is to have people stop treating me like I'm broken. I've fixed myself. All I want you to do is treat me like I'm me, and not a fragile piece of glass.

Happy New Year all.

I asked myself "was I content,"
with the world that I once cherished?
did it bring me to this darkened place
to comtemplate my perfect future
I will not stand nor utter words against
this tide of hate
losing site of what and who I was again

I'm so sorry if these seething words I say
impress on you
that I've become the anathema of my soul

I can't say that your losing me
I always tried to keep myself tied to this world
but I know where this is leading me
no tears
no sympathy

I can't say that your losing me
but I must be that which I am
though I know where this could take me
no tears
no sympathy

gracefully
respectfully
facing conflict deep inside myself
but here confined losing control of what I could not change

gracefully
respectfully
I ask you "Please don't worry,"
not for me
don't turn your back
don't turn away
Posted by Arieanna at 11:44 AM |