I truly have nothing good to say.
My head is in a bad, bad space most of the time these days. And the people in my life, I'm sure, are terribly tired of hearing how I feel on the subject. But I can't help feeling the way I feel.
My mother suggested I do something to purge some of what I'm feeling.
I should write a letter. Even if I never send it. And say the things I want to say. And get it out there. Even if it never makes it to the intended person.
I'm going to try that. The following is a letter to the person who destroyed my heart, who, as I said to XG, shoved it sideways through a meat grinder. These are the things I've said in my head a hundred thousand times. And maybe if I say them "Out Loud", it'll help a little bit.
If you feel like commenting, saying anything at all, even if you normally don't comment, please do. I need to know at least someone out there has seen the workings of my brain, and know why I'm so sad lately.
To the man that shattered what little was left of my spirit,
Please tell me what I have done so bad that you could hurt me so. What was it about being with me that was so bad you had to go back to a person you'd been trying to get away from for more than a year? Why are the promises you made to her so important that you'd never break them, but every single one you made to me turned out to be a lie?
Why would you leave your best friend to go back to a person that "belittles you in public"? You told me so many times how much you valued me because there were so many things that you didn't think you deserved, so many things you'd gotten used to that you'd forgotten any other way to be.
You told me that you'd accepted that you weren't meant to be happy anymore, but I taught you that was untrue. I was never too tired to pay attention. I wasn't cynical, or bitter, or always unhappy. I didn't stifle your own personality so that you didn't even resemble yourself when I was in the room. I didn't tell you who you could and couldn't see. I didn't disallow you to do anything. In fact, I never even considered that I had the right to allow or disallow anything. I was your girlfriend, not your owner.
I made you happy. But you left me to be happy? Happy with a person that you hadn't been happy with in a very long time? How does this make sense? Are you happy now?
And all you have to say about it is that she deserved a second chance. After you swore to me that you'd never go back to her. Ever, no matter what. You promised me that. You promised me that you'd tell me you loved me every day after the first time that you said it. You knew how scared I was. I'd told you how hard it was for me to love someone, because they always, always, always left. You saw the walls I'd built around my heart, and you forced them down. They you promised, swore I could say the word, and that you'd be there. That you'd stay.
You stayed less then a week.
Why does she deserve for a second chance, and I don't deserve the end of my first? I apparently deserve nothing. I deserve you not being able to say that you're going back to her over the phone, when I called you on the day we had a date. You were going to stand me up when I had been sick enough to go to the hospital twice in a week. You had my best friend tell me that you were going back to your ex, over the phone.
Then, to show me what I truly meant to you, you shoved my stuff in green garbage bags and had my best friend bring them back to me.
You promised the last time we talked that we'd talk again. And yet, when I called you to get the last of my stuff, I didn't even get a return phone call.
Why does she deserve a second chance? Why does she deserve you to keep all your promises, and I deserve for you to keep none? I apparently don't even deserve a return phone call. I don't deserve to be treated like a human.
Why? Why am I worth so little to you? Why am I worth so little period? I'm worth less then the person that helped to "tear a hole in you soul". I'm not even deserving of human courtesy. I deserve nothing. I don't deserve to have your love. Or anybody's. I can see that now. I'm not worth loving. I'm not worth treating fairly. I'm not worth even considering me as if I were a human being with emotions. I get thrown out like garbage, and you never think of me again. You drop my stuff off with someone removed, as if I don't even exist.
What did I do to you that I deserve so little? That I deserve nothing? I feel so completely worthless. I mean, if someone that is miserable, never happy, cynical, lifeless, too tired to show affection, too cold to kiss with passion, too down trodden by life to keep her appearence or surroundings in good condition for any length of time, too ambivelant about your engagement to tell anyone, or to wear the ring, or to even care, deserves to have the thing she wants most in the world, deserves getting it when the getting it destroys someone's heart and soul, deserves to get married, and have kids, and have the life she's always dreamed, and I don't, how horrible I must be. How truly worthless I must be. If even a person like this deserves happiness, and I don't, how truly hellish a person I must be. I must be the worst thing that ever happened to you or to anyone you know. I must be the most horrible thing in the world.
And all I want to do is be with my friends and try to heal. But I don't even deserve the courtesy of doing that in peace. No. I apparently deserve to have my face rubbed in your happiness all weekend long. I deserve to see how ecstatic you are to be with the person who hurt you so bad, and the only reason I can see that you would be that happy is because you got away from me. I get to see all this in a weekend where every single person around me will hook up, or get hit on, or get admired, while the whole group of my friends see how little I am truly worth, because if you left me to go back to hell, I must be hell cubed.
But I guess if I'm truly that horrible in your mind, then that's the least of what I deserve. Why should I expect anything else?
The scum you scraped off your shoe and finally threw back when you were done using the tool to manipulate your ex/fiance,
Lillie
Posted by Arieanna at 7:43 AM
